Bitter Towers
by Reirei666
Summary: Spoilers Warning: A slightly AU look at the Mage Origin story. What happens when a powerful apprentice feels betrayed by the Circle, what would she do to get revenge, and who would get hurt along the way. Angst/Hurt/Comfort PC/ AU Cullen, PC/ AU Alistair
1. Chapter 1

(( Notes: Lots of Spoilers, This is slightly AU as Alistair is involved in the Mage Origins Storyline, Dragon Age: Origins is owned by Bioware, I do not own anything. Any characterless that you see are a result of the brilliant people who created Bioware. I do not make any money off of this story. I simply enjoy writing for pleasure. Anything that you do not recognize from the game, such as PC names, etc, are created by me, and influenced by Bioware's writing. This is a Mature story, and involves angst, blood gore, and adult themes. Please enjoy, read and review. ))

Suri Amell stared blankly at the arcane texts piled on the scarred study table in front of her in the Apprentices Library. She had been studying for the better part of the night and it was just past midnight by her estimations. The acrid smell of lyrium and dust permeated the library. She tossed a look over her shoulder and her gaze landed on the Templar watching her from the corner. She was accustomed to the fierce glares Templar's threw her way. The longer she was up, the longer they were, fitting justice for being her potential executor. Suri sneezed suddenly.

"Maker bless you," a deep voice rang out from behind the Templar's helm. She recognized the voice. It was Cullen, it had to be. She felt excitement tickle the back of her neck as she realized she was alone with him again. Three times this week, it could not be a coincidence. "Thank you, Cullen," she offered, turning to face him. Her gaze narrowed in contemplation. "Why must you stalk about with your helm on, as if we are not the only two people still awake in this tower?"

Cullen smiled under the helm. _Because you make me insane and its better that you can't tell. _Cullen cleared his throat. "Twould be most unseemly if I were to do so. Not to mention unsafe," he murmured. Cullen could see the gears turning in Suri's head as she listened to him. She was about to flirt with him and tease him and he would lose it. Cullen steeled himself. Her mouth opened and he raised a gauntlet to stop her.

"Nay, **Mage** you will listen to me," his tone was cold and resolute. "You already create more work for me just by the hours you keep. Do not pester me so. Now finish your work, and I will see you to your bed," replied Cullen, when she opened her mouth to argue.

Suri's face flushed from the harmless but provocative statement he had just uttered. Cullen mentally slapped himself. _Put her to bed? He must be tired for surely nothing so suggestive had ever come from his mouth before._ Cullen shrugged from beneath his armor to underplay the sudden stifling library air. Suri reached down and slammed her notebook shut and glared at him.

"When did you become such a bastard? I thought you were different from the others," whispered Suri, her voice hoarse and Cullen stiffened at her voice. _Did she mean others had put her to bed? He was going to murder someone. _

"If this _Mage_ so irritates you, I will endeavor to avoid you at all times then," growled Suri. To her absolute mortification, her voice was wavering and she was about to cry. She stormed past him to the doors and out the exit before he could respond.

Cullen yanked off his helm and stared at the closed doors in bewilderment. _What in the Makers name just happened? Was she crying? What an idiot, he was. It would seem he had got his wish. She had left him alone, but of course this is the last thing he actually wants, even if it's for the best._ Cullen sharply rapped his head against the stone wall and rested it there. "Stupidity seems to abound these days," growled Cullen from under his breath.

"Should I be worried? Is it something they put in the food?" a youthful, amused voice broke into his thoughts.

Cullen looked up startled and saw the young Templar recruit from earlier. "Aye, it's called Lyrium," replied Cullen with a look of irritation. "What are you doing up still?" He strides over to the library table where Amell's inkpot had spilled in her haste and looks for a rag to clean the thousand year old table.

"I was hungry. Looking for a spot of Cheese, perhaps a nice blue from the kitchen… Alas, none to be found…" The Templar Recruit folded his arms and leaned back on a bookcase watching Cullen clean up the mess that the young girl had left behind. Cullen was flushed red with anger.

"The name's Alistair, in case you have forgotten," offered the recruit, as he held out his hand. Cullen blinked and looked up from the table to Alistair's hand. Cullen's mind replayed the scene with Suri, wondering what he said wrong. Cullen shook his head to clear it and grinned slightly under his Helm at the new recruit.

"Excellent timing, uh, Alistair. Clean this mess up, and put those books away," replied Cullen, while he slapped the dirty rag full of wet ink into Alistair's waiting palm. "See you in the morning." With those words Cullen strode out of the Library leaving a very disgruntled Alistair.

---

Suri rushed her way to the Apprentice Quarters and flung open the door. "I _need_ to talk you Mara." Suri collapsed onto her bed and laid her head back against her pillow. "You are covered in ink! Get off the bed sheet, Suri," scolded Mara in a gentle tone. Suri gasped and looked down. She had indeed spilled ink down the front of her robes. Oh Maker, Cullen probably was laughing his head off at her from behind that Helm. Suri's eyes burned and she rubbed them.

"Oh Maker, now it's on your face," laughed Mara. Suri burst into tears and Mara's laughter stopped and she wrapped her arms around her. "Come now, dear friend tell me what happened." Mara led her to the dressing room and filled a basin with water, to gently wash the ink away.

Mara's soft hands rubbed insistently at the ink until it was gone, while Suri filled her in on the events of the evening. Mara gasped, "He said he would put you to bed? What in Andrastes name was he thinking?"

Suri gave a watery chuckle, "Tis not that part that I mind so much, it was him calling me _Mage_ in that cold tone of his. Like I am not even a person, not his friend…Like he doesn't care what I really am behind these robes."

Mara gently interrupted, "You are not his friend Suri, but you are his charge. His responsibility to you is just that. Oh Suri, I know you have a crush on him, but he is a Templar. _A Templar_. He couldn't possibly be with you, even if he wanted to. Maker preserve us if that happened."

Mara stared at her friend for a long moment. Suri was uncommonly pretty, with delicate features, dark hazel eyes and violently red hair that fell about her face in long, soft curls. She was tall for a woman, but her body matched her height and she possessed a curvy figure that made the Templars freeze when she strutted about in her night shift. She knew that most men stared at Suri out of habit, for she was so attractive and her natural liveliness made most men gawk. Even the Knight-Commander would stop by and ask her about her studies and encourage her attentions. Yet, it seemed at times that Suri was unaware of the effect she had on the opposite sex. She seemed more clueless then most women her age.

Mara was often amazed that Suri had chosen to befriend her since she was the direct opposite to her. Mara was dutiful and serious, more like the other mages in the tower. Suri reassured her that she was simply a late bloomer and soon she would become one of the brightest new mages in the Circle. Such confidence in her abilities seems premature to her but Suri would not hear otherwise. Suri seemed to love Mara's practical approach to life, since it was so directly in conflict with her own.

"You are being a muttonhead. Surely you realize that Cullen is in love with you. Everybody knows that. You also know that neither of you can act on these feelings. Grow up, Suri. He is just trying to survive and probably protect you from the gossip that already spreads like wildfire," pointed out Mara.

"You are right," replied Suri. "Please, let's just go to bed and forget I said anything." Suri sank back against her bed sheet and let her mind drift to more pleasant places.

_Later._

The next morning Suri stared hard at her porridge in consternation in the Main Hall.

"Jowan is doing what?"

Mara snickered under her breath. "Jowan is telling everyone that you were with him last night alone in his quarters for hours before curfew. He is telling anyone who will listen that you are his girlfriend. I swear it," giggled Mara, as Suri's face became purple with rage.

"Why in Andrastes name is he doing that?" growled Suri and she slammed her fork down. "Where is the little rat?" She rose up from the table and surveyed the room. Suri strode down the corridor with murder in her eyes. The other apprentices giggled and snickered as she left the dining hall, gossip running rampant.

Suri looked around the library and checked the class rooms unable to find him.

She finally found him in the chapel of all places. Darting a quick look at the nearby priests she snuck up behind him and pinched him on the arm.

Jowan leapt into the air with a startled yelp and turned to her. The anger in his eyes faded to guilty shame. "Oh, Suri. I wanted to tell you in advance but the rumor mill is still as active as ever."

"Tell me what Jowan? That we are having a love child and plan to elope for the happy ever after? Why, surely I do not need to be a party to such grandiose plans," she spat sarcastically, gripping his arm. "Why are you trying to make a fool out of me? I thought we were friends."

"I am your friend, but I got cornered and I couldn't think of what to do." Jowan began to pace and Suri narrowed her eyes. "I met a girl you see."

"I fail to see how you having a girlfriend would incite her to like you more. You are a being a fool," snapped Suri.

"No, you misunderstand me. We need to keep our relationship a secret and when I was confronted about my absence, I told them I was with you instead of her," replied Jowan.

"Confronted by whom?" Suri frowned.

"The Templars. I was sneaking around the basement, to be alone with her and they caught me. I knew I couldn't tell them the truth. If they find out who I was really with, they would kill me," sighed Jowan. "Please don't make me tell you who it is. I'm sorry I lied about you, but you know how Knight-Commander lets you get away with murder around here. I figured if it was you, they would let me pass. Please you're my oldest friend here, my dearest. Please help me. I need you to convince them."

"Jowan, what you are doing isn't… forbidden right?" Suri sighed and sagged into the pulpit behind her. "It's not magic, it's just a girl. Right?"

"Of course, Suri. I would never lie to you. You're like my family," replied Jowan in earnest.

Suri nodded slowly. "All right Jowan, I will keep your lie for now. I am alone either way, so I guess it doesn't matter if I have a fake boyfriend or not."

"I will repay you someday Suri. I promise." Jowan squeezed her hand and pulled her to him in a hug. Suri sagged against him in resignation and then grinned up at him.

"Is she at least as pretty as me?"

Jowan groaned, "Makers breathe you are such a flirt."

"Yes, you are," Knight-Commander agreed coldly. "You're behavior is most unbecoming Amell. I would see you in detention for this breach of rules. Tonight, at seven, you will dust the upstairs library on the third floor."

Suri turned in shock to see the Knight-Commander standing behind her looking grim. "I am disappointed in you Amell," ground out Greagoir.

Behind the Knight-Commander stood Cullen, with his helm off and his skin flushed. She had gotten her wish. Suri swallowed hard taking in Cullen's high color and the blanketed rage behind his dark eyes. Maker, he was ridiculously good looking. Even now she was having a hard time coming to grips with the beautiful planes of his face, even as enraged as it seemed to be. Her mouth opened and closed a few times and she looked helplessly at Jowan.

"Jowan, you come with me," snapped Cullen and he turned on his heel, before shooting Suri a look of such profound disappointment that it made her stomach twist and burn.

Knight-Commanders voice broke into her misery. "Stupid girl, you should know better than to sell yourself short. Don't become one of those mages who sacrifice their gift for the fairytale of love. Love can be a weakness and it gives the demons an opening into your soul. You could be great. Don't mess it up, not with your Harrowing so close." Greagoir stared down at the lovely young mage and sighed deeply. "Tonight, seven o'clock. Make sure you are not late. Cullen will hate being inconvenienced."

Greagoir walked out and Suri bit her lower lip. Jowan was forever getting her in trouble. She should not be surprised this didn't turn out well. She dreaded her detention almost more because she knew Cullen would be there. She saw what he thought of her but Mara was right. Nothing could have happened between them, and pretending to be with Jowan protected her from the disaster that could ensue with Cullen, if either of them let their guard down even slightly.

---

Alistair walked the hallways of the Circle Tower in absolute boredom. Is this his life now? Why did this have to happen to him? Why couldn't the Grand Cleric just leave him alone? He leaned over a window and stared out at Lake Calenhad. The dark waters were rumored to possess the bones of many a mage who tried to escape the prison of the Tower Circle. Fighting evil mages at least seemed like something to do. However, none of the mages seem to be doing anything bad. Well, just that one couple caught snogging in the church. He could just imagine what the Grand Cleric would say about that. He laughed, startling himself out of the silence. This damned silence was just too much.

"Hallo!!!!!" His voice echoed back to him and he harmonized again with another "Hallo." "Hello?" a soft female voice whispered back to him and he tripped over his feet in shock. Stumbling down a few steps he righted himself and looked at the female who spoke suddenly.

She was a petite blond woman with soft gray eyes, wearing Apprentice robes and carrying a stack of vellum. Alistair felt his forehead get hot in embarrassment. "Never mind me, I was just ..."

"Checking the acoustics in the great hall?" interrupted the girl, with a small smile. "You're new. "That's right; I am new… so you must be?" Alistair grinned slightly back at her.

"Old…" replied the girl, with a cheeky smile. She couldn't have been more then fifteen by the looks of her.

"Good luck sir, hopefully your training will go well," the girl waved and heading down the stairs.

Alistair caught the sight of blond hair departing in the candle lit hallway and headed back up to the third floor quarters. He threw off his helm with an exhausted sigh and launched his frame on the mattress with a disgusted grunt. "How in the Maker do they stand being around women all day?"

---

Amell pinned back a length of scraggly red hair and focused on the steps in front of her. The third floor was the Templar's abode primarily. Not many apprentices were allowed up stairs and it was daunting to consider what she might see going on up there. She stared across at the Templar blocking the door and she gathered her courage. "Hello Sir Bran, new post eh? Well, I'll just be going up now, assigned detention for the upstairs library you see..." rambled Suri, as she stared at the door past him.

Sir Bran looked amused at her rant. "Your note?"

"Ah yes, here it is," she replied shoving a note into his hands.

"Right this way," murmured Sir Bran, glancing cursorily at the note. "Says here, you are to dust all the ledgers and accounts on the third floor library and then start on the bookshelves."

Sir Bran led her into a small circular room where the bookcases reached to the high tower windows, equipped with ladders to make for easier access.

"Thank you, Sir Bran." Suri made her way to the first bookshelf and began to dust with the dry cloth she had brought.

In the stillness of the room, Suri could hear and see into the hallway and she saw the outside bustle of the Templars relaxing for the night. She could hear them joking and playing with each other. It was curious seeing them outside of their typical function. Brothers of the Chantry and the Maker. A lot of the women believed them devoid of any sexual drive, but she also knew that Enid told her just yesterday, that she caught a Templar watching her bathe. Bathe! Her cheeks turned red imagining if anyone had been watching her. She continued to dust for awhile and then she moved upwards to the higher levels stretching to get the top shelves.

Suddenly Suri's foot slipped off the stool when she attempted to reach a particularly hard spot and she began to tumble towards the ground at an alarming rate. Her heart stopped when she was caught up in the arms of someone. Someone solid and strong that smelled of lyrium, metal and spices that she couldn't identify. She gasped and her arms wrapped around that figure attempting to break her fall.

"Andrastes knickers you are a damned menace," growled Cullen as he shifted her weight in his arms, her knees tucked over one arm, the other arm grasping her back. She slowly looked at him and her mouth went dry. He was without his helm again and it struck her deep in her belly, the near sight of him.

"Cullen…um thank you," she whispered huskily as he lowered her to a standing position.

Cullen grunted back at her and resumed the position he had been occupying on the wall opposite of her. She shook her head and tried to remember what she had been doing before. Ah yes, dusting. She counted to four silently and crawled back on the ladder.

That perfidious female was lurking in his library now, dusting of all things. Why the Knight-Commander was tormenting him, he could not possibly fathom. That he has to watch her because she was caught snogging with her idiot boyfriend, was definitely beyond the pale.

Cullen narrowed his eyes on the female in question. She was in danger of losing her footing again; those ladders really weren't wide enough for any human person. Cullen started to sweat watching the curve of her body beneath her robes stretch and lift.

"Aren't you done yet?" Cullen discovered himself saying with ill-disguised impatience.

Suri looked down at him in surprise. His tone caught her off guard and she nods. "Yes, I have um, just finished Cullen." She crawls off the ladder and he stares hard at her buttocks as she does. "Good, then you can go," he replies, his voice colder then Ferelden's winter.

Suri stiffens at his tone, and she turns towards the door. "I'm sorry Cullen, if I hurt you,"

Cullen gave a harsh laugh, "What could you be referring to Suri? The fact that you were caught with Jowan being loose or the fact that you tried to corrupt me to be like him? Tempting me to break faith with the Maker, and my vows, just for a lark? Don't worry, I am beyond caring what you think, especially knowing what kind of female you are."

Suri stared at him as if he struck her and she paled. "No, not that Cullen, I couldn't bear that. I … wasn't toying with you."

"It doesn't matter if you were, it's not right. What you were suggesting was inappropriate, and most unwelcome, I promise you." Cullen ground out through gritted teeth.

Suri nodded her hand moving to cover her mouth and she gave a soft cry as she ran from the library.

Cullen watched her flee and gasped suddenly letting out the air; he had not realized that he had been holding. He smashed his gauntlet through the wall in rage and then frowned at the slight dent. He had done the right thing. He would be rewarded by the Maker, for his diligence and … Sod it, he was a damned idiot and he knew it. Cullen slammed the library door shut behind him.

---

Suri let herself into the empty classroom and sat at the desk, she stared blankly at the arcane symbols that were drawn onto the board. She felt a misery deep in her gut. She hated lying, especially to Cullen, but Jowan made her promise. She sighed and laid her head to the table. Her heart pounded still from when he held her, and she could smell him on her, from where her skin touched his. She took a deep breath and rested her head in her arms.

How would she endure years of this, after the Harrowing? Knowing him, seeing him and never being able to touch him. This is what made Mages so susceptible to suggestions from the Fade, their longing was everlasting. Their pain was meant to be endured in solitude, in misery. They say it's a blessing and a curse, but truly, she would give up magic, if she could be normal. She choked back a soft sob and buried her face in her hands.

"Suri…?"

Suri lifted her head and wiped her eyes. "Yes, Jowan?" She wouldn't question why he was here. She just wanted him to be gone.

"Mara was taken for her Harrowing," his voice faltered slightly. She looked to Jowan's ashen features and she felt a dread in the pit of her stomach. "No, Jowan," she whispered brokenly. "Don't say it."

"I'm…sorry…"

"No!!!!!!!!" she screamed and launched from her seat in the hall. She began to run, her heart bursting in fear as she moved towards the Harrowing Chamber, pushing past the others.

She saw First Enchanter Irving and the Knight-Commander deep in conversation, and one of the Templar recruits held his side, blood pouring from his wound. She searched the room, and found Sir Bran carrying her friend of twelve years. She was clearly dead.

She made a small sound in her throat and her face became white as she stared at Mara's sweet face still in death. She keened and dropped to her knees.

"Oh Maker…"whispered Greagoir, as he saw Suri fall to her knees. "How did she find out so fast?" Greagoir moved quickly to her side and held her. "I'm so sorry she didn't make it. Suri, we did everything we could."

Cullen walked into the room, he had been summoned and the sight of Mara dead and Suri in shock startled him. He had just left her, how did she get here so fast? He walked to the First Enchanter.

"Irving, what can I do? How much did she see? Did she see them…?" Cullen couldn't finish, but Irving shook his head. "Nay, the child showed up afterwards. She is in shock and should be put into her room." Cullen grimaced and nodded his agreement. His stomach plummeted as he saw Suri's anguished expression. He felt a pain in his chest as he walked towards her.

"Suri, please come with me. You need to rest..."he spoke gently to her when he leaned down in front of her.

"You did this! You killed her, all of you. Don't think I don't know. You are murderers all of you. Mara was sweet and good and you twisted her. Pushing her to take this damned test. She wasn't ready, Irving! You should have known that. You villains. Don't touch me," she screamed as she stumbled back from Cullen. "Murderers, the whole lot of you. I despise you, don't touch me again," she hissed and she stumbled from the chamber, weeping in rage.

Cullen felt her words like stones on his chest, squeezing the breath from him. His face turned white but determined as he turned to the First Enchanter.

"She can't be alone; she is more susceptible now to the Demons than ever before. We must watch her."

Knight-Commander nodded to Irving. "He's right, she is a liability now. What a shame, right before her own Harrowing. We will have to put it off now," murmured Greagoir.

Cullen turned stark. "Damned right, we are putting it off, you would be measuring out a death sentence to her, in this state," snapped Cullen.

The Knight-Commander raised an eyebrow at Cullen and frowned. "How dare you…"

"The boy is right, Greagoir. He is simply doing his job. Let him continue to do it. We will talk about this later. Much later," cut in Irving. "Cullen, please see to Ms. Amell. She must have a Templar at all times while she is still in this emotional state. See that it happens. I do not want two of my most promising students dying if it's avoidable," Irving states grimly.

Cullen nods and exits. Knight-Commander be damned, he would make sure Amell wouldn't fall, not on his watch.

By the time Suri had fled to her quarters the rumor had spread throughout the Tower. The usual chatter and gossip had gone quiet for most mages loved Mara for her sweetness and gentleness. The Tower mourned in its own way, the soft groan of stone settling into itself, familiar but haunting as if more than just stone had created it. Almost as if it carried a life unto itself.

Suri stumbled to the chamber pot and vomited, just barely making the bucket. She could feel the cold stone beneath her hands and she wondered briefly if her friend was truly gone, or if this was her Harrowing and she was trapped somewhere in the Fade. Denial set deep within her and she could feel the pull of the Fade, the whispers in her ear, telling her this was a dream. Mayhap she wished it was the Fade, but she felt the ache of her friend's loss so keenly, she didn't care if it was.

Cullen breathed a sigh of release upon finding Amell on her knees in the bath chamber. She looked wretched and it smelled heavily of vomit but he didn't care. He strode behind her and picked her up, taking her to the water basin, and helped her rinse out her mouth. He offered the mint leaves they used to clean her teeth and he sat her on a vanity stool.

"Suri…" he said, grasping her shoulders as he stared into her eyes. "Take this." He offered her a towel and wiped the grime from her face when she refused to pick it up. His touch was gentle and she closed her eyes, a deep shudder going through her thin frame.

"Cullen?" her voice sounded confused, and her hands trailed up to touch his face. He stilled under her searching fingertips. "Yes, tis I."

"I know you aren't a murderer. You were with me. You couldn't have been there," she whispered softly, stroking his cheek.

"No, I wasn't there Suri," he replied as he gently washed the traces of despair from her cheeks. Her expression was so lost, that it burned in his gut to look upon her sadness. "I'm so sorry Suri," he whispered, afraid to startle her with his normal voice.

She nodded and let him finish cleaning her face. "It's okay, we are in the Fade. I know this isn't real. I am being tested. But I failed. She died and now I am stuck," her fingertips traced along the side of his cheek and he flinched at her words.

"No…"

"Shh……..Cullen, please, I've wanted to do this for so long, just let me. It doesn't matter here. Not in this place." Suri leaned forward and pressed her mouth to his. Her lips caressed his bottom lip and he froze. Her tongue darted out to lick at his upper lip and he groaned. This could not be happening right now.

Her arms dropped to loop around his neck and he could feel her pulling him closer and deeper into the kiss and he shuddered.

"What's wrong Cullen, don't you want me? Do you still hate me for Jowan," her voice broke and he could feel tears sliding down her face as she tasted him.

The tears were what did it. He couldn't take it anymore. Cullen pulled her onto his lap, his tongue delving deeply into her soft mouth. He licked at her bottom lip and suckled her tongue as he kissed her. He had dreams where they had kissed like this, hours, no days of this. Her mouth, her breath stealing into his own.

Cullen whispered against her mouth, "No, I don't hate you, I could never hate you, Maker help me." His mouth stole against hers again and he plundered the depth of her, exploring her inch by inch. Suri gasped to break free and breathe and her eyes refocused as his arms tightened around her. Her cheeks turned pink and her eyes grew dark with pleasure as she looked on him.

"Maker, you are so beautiful, its hurts me to look upon you," growled Cullen, as he nipped at her neck. "I have wanted you so long, that I am ashamed by how much I need you right now.

She sighed deeply against his neck and relaxed there. "This is not the Fade, is it," she made it a statement.

Cullen paused and then shuddered as her hands suddenly caressed his stomach under his armor. "No," he ground out, breathing hard.

"I'm glad," she replied. "I don't want to die, without knowing what this feels like."

"You're not going to die," growled Cullen and he jerked her hands back from under his armor. "They would have to go through me. I promise you that."

Suri stared up at Cullen when he said words that could get him thrown out of the Circle forever and she stilled. Mara's words floated back to her. All the things that Cullen had done for her became crystal clear. Poor Mara, to never have known a man's passion like this one. She choked and buried her face in his neck. She breathed in the sweet smell of him.

"Maybe I should be made Tranquil. I scared everyone today in my grief. I know, they will request it for me. Perhaps, it is best. I can't stand seeing you, never being able to touch you. Not having known you like this, not now. I couldn't bear it. I would lose you and Mara. I would simply fade away, without you."

Suri rested her head on his shoulder, her heart heavy with anguish. Cullen stroked her hair and shushed her. "No, that is not an option. We just have to make them believe it was grief, if you can pass your Harrowing, you could be free of this place, and maybe I could too. Anything but Tranquil, it would kill me to see you like that. Please Suri; promise me you won't consider it."

"No, Mara would have wanted me to live, live gloriously. Aye, I will do just that. I will never forget what this Tower has tried to steal from me. I promise you Cullen," she replied as she felt the drowsy tug of exhaustion pull her into a state of sleep.

Cullen tightened her hold on her, lifting her to lay her down on her bed. He tucked her blankets over her and took watch nearby, listening to her in sleep, wondering how this could possibly end well for any of them. Cullen simply prayed.

(Hi Everyone, This has the potential to be long. This is my first fan fiction story in a long time, but Dragon Age, simply does that too you. Eventually this will be PC/Cullen, PC/Alistair, maybe a little bit of PC/Zev. I have no beta, so I apologize if the grammar seems off, or I mix my tenses. Thanks for reading! Reviews, do make me write faster as with all writers I suspect. )


	2. Chapter 2

_(( Thank you for all the wonderful reviews, I really appreciate the encouragement. Sorry in advance for any typos, and just so you know, Bioware owns everything! Thanks for reading!))_

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_A time later._

_It had been two months. _Knight-Commander requested that Cullen travel to Orzammar to procure the latest shipment of lyrium for the Chantry, since he spouted off at him in Suri's defense. It was not the best trip and a few times the Templar's were attacked. It was a pleasant change to be out of the Tower, yet he wished she were here, and Cullen wondered what she did, who she was with and missed her so deeply that often he wondered if he wasn't just a bit obsessed. _Did she still think about that horrid night when against all odds, they shared a kiss and perhaps a bit of their soul?_ He silently hoped it was not just grief that propelled her to confess to him.

"Lake Calenhad boys, just as silent as ever." His traveling companions voice broke into his thoughts and he stared up at the Tower. He knows she wouldn't be waiting for him at the gate, but he could not help but feel a certain homecoming when looking upon that infernal Tower. He wondered if anything had changed as he made his way across the docks to the boat ramp with his supplies.

Once inside, Cullen had his answer. Nothing in this place ever changed. The Circle seemed to move as before, rumors flying rampant within. Mages who blew things up and Templars who were left in quiet frustration in the stale Tower air. _Nothing ever changed._

Cullen stared across the hallway and watched the Mages walk back and forth between the corridors. This was endless, every day the same thing. Cullen let out an exasperated breath.

"Cullen," Sir Bran's voice broke into his reverie and he blinked.

"Yes, Sir Bran?"

"Knight-Commander wishes to see you," replied Sir Bran.

Cullen nodded curtly and made his way to the third floor. He tentatively knocked on the massive door to his study.

"Come in," the voice echoed through the door.

"Ah, Cullen, good. It is good to see you are back within the Tower's walls. We have missed you these past few months. I assume Orzammar was pleasant enough. I want you to know you have been reassigned to the first floor apprentices again. You have demonstrated your eagerness to amend for the past mistakes that were made in your judgment, and I believe you will not fail me again,"stated Knight-Commander, as he steeples his fingertips together, getting straight to the point.

Cullen nodded curtly to him. "Thank you, Sir. I will not disappoint you again."

Something in the mans voice gave Greagoir pause. "Cullen, it is not uncommon for your duties as a Templar, to take on a vehemence that encourages you to forget your priorities. Such is the curse of our positions. We are charged with the tasks of caring for all who exist in this tower. This is a burden that is beyond hard, and we are often compromised by our emotions. To not be too hard on yourself."

Cullen straightened in his chair. "I thank you for your understanding, but it is entirely unnecessary. I have had these past few weeks to reflect with the Maker. I understand the path I am on is a treacherous one, however I am willing to try my best to ensure the faith that you and the Maker have placed in me," replied Cullen.

"Help Sir Bran unload the supplies that the Chantry sent with you, and then see to your quarters. You may resume your duties tomorrow. You need a rest after such a long journey," murmured Knight-Commander as he watched Cullen's dutiful expression with a bit of suspicion.

Ah, so he wasn't out of the doghouse just yet. Cullen nodded to the Knight-Commander and left his office. After helping Sir Bran unload the remaining parcels from the Boat, he made his way to his sleeping quarters. He stripped off the heavy armor, bathed, ate and willed the night to pass quickly. He was certain that tomorrows duty would allow him to see Suri, and as far as he was concerned that was not soon enough.

The last few months rushed by in a blur. She still hadn't gotten over Suri's death, but Jowan tried his best to distract her from thoughts of that night. Jowan had transformed from a whiny boy into a real man in the last few months and she wondered if that isn't a result of that girl he spoke of. She still feigned a relationship with him, albeit halfheartedly. Cullen had been sent away almost immediately and it had broken her heart, although she knew it was coming. She began to doubt she would ever see him again. Irving watched her very carefully, and though she felt empty inside, she made the appearance that she was better and her momentary lapse of rage was simply grief. It wasn't.

She felt embittered by the Circle's rules and with every passing day, she felt the Tower less a home and more a prison. Suri caught a glimpse of herself in the shared vanity room when she dressed that morning. She looked gaunt and tired. Shortly after the funeral she had decided she couldn't stand her hair any longer. She felt like a child with the long curls. In a fit of madness she took a blade to it and now it hung short and unevenly to her chin. She barely recognized the girl staring back at her but then again, she didn't really know herself anymore.

Every waking moment was spent studying for her Harrowing. She knew that Mages were allowed to leave the Tower, and she suspected that Irving, may give her an assignment away from this place if she begged hard enough. Her thoughts often traced back to Cullen, and wondered if he had stayed would it have been different. Would she feel so detached from this place? Would she feel anything at all? Was all those feelings that he stirred genuine, or simply a wishful memory.

Some days when the Veil was thinnest, she swore that her memories were naught but a fantasy. Suri touched her lower lip, recalling the taste of his kiss and she sighed. She had lessons with Senior Torren for the afternoon, and studying Entropic magic for the evening. Suri washed her face and grabbed her vellum and books. She headed to the library to study, opting to skip breakfast in lieu of studying ahead. She walked past the Templar guard heading for Jowan, who stood waiting in the outer hallway. 

"Good morning Suri." the Templar said from his post. His voice sounded so familiar that she paused mid step and tripped herself up. She looked over and saw Cullen with his arms folded and his helm off. Almost as if he hadn't been missing for the last few months. He was simply there. She felt an irrational anger for a second and she ducked her head.

"Hello Cullen," she replied, her voice neutral. How dare he just lean there looking smug, as if he hadn't been gone for forever.

"I'm glad to see you are back," she murmured, her eyes trailing over his armor, anywhere but his face.

Cullen narrowed his eyes slightly. She looked tired, and she had obviously cut off her hair. She looked like a damned witch with that inky red hair spilling around her face. Maker, she was beautiful even still. Her tone was flat and she wouldn't look at him, and it irritated him, though he knew the cause for it.

"It's good to be home," replied Cullen, as he looked past her to where that prat Jowan was waiting for her.

Suri opened her mouth to speak and appeared to have though better of it; for she nodded and left him to join Jowan. Suri could feel her face flush and she grabbed Jowan's hand, jerking him along with her down the corridor.

"Is there an emergency I was not made aware of?" Jowan complained as she pushed him into the library. Suri cursed under her breath and sat down at the table, slamming her books down.

"He's back. The rumor mill will start again. I am tired of being the center of attention around here. I cant bear this much scrutiny, it makes me insane," she grimaced at her book.

"Suri, you are my best friend, you don't have to hide anything from me you know," Jowan said gently.

"I know Jowan," she sighs and picks up her quill. "Let's not talk about it, okay?"

"I know, lets talk about something new, like our Harrowing," Jowan replied sarcastically.

Suri could not help but laugh since it seemed lately no one talked of anything else.

"Do you ever worry about your Harrowing Suri? I mean really worry," questioned Jowan as he flipped through his books.

She glanced at Jowan surprised by the intensity behind the question. She considered for a moment.

"I guess, I would be foolish to not be worried a little bit. Honestly though, since I do not know what to expect, I don't see the point in worrying. All that anxiety for nothing. I will succeed, of that I am sure."

"You are one of the brightest mages in the tower, Suri, but that does not mean that you cannot succumb to a demon when it offers you all that you desire," retorted Jowan. 

Suri thought about Cullen for a long moment and she nodded. "I know,"she said quietly. "We just have be strong enough, I guess. The demands of our curse make it impossible to form attachments to things. Anything that can weaken us. Love can weaken us," she murmurs almost thoughtfully.

"You cannot tell me to not love her, just because of magic," sputters Jowan, her expression angry.

Suri blinks surprised at his outburst. "What in the Maker's name are you talking about?"

"Nothing! I mean, ..." stammers Jowan as he grabs his books. "I am going to the kitchen, see you later,"

Suri stared after him perplexed.

"Jowan's been acting really weird lately," an apprentice named Horace stated watching Jowan flee the study table. Suri stares hard at the known gossip monger. His hair was thinning already and his sharp features reminded her of a overgrown rat.

"If you exercised your spells half as well as you exercise your tongue, you would be in Mage Quarters by now," snapped Suri with a black look.

Horace recoiled in fear. Suri gave him a look of disgust and picked up her books. Anywhere was better then being here with these Nancy-boy apprentices and spiteful gossips. Suri checked the clock nearby and realized she was late for enchanted weapons. _Blast._

Classes passed rather swiftly for the day and soon she found herself alone in the library. She knew why she was here. She was a masochist, surely because she really shouldn't be looking for Cullen. It would only feed the rumors if they are seen together on his first day back. She didn't care. She checked the clock and saw it was half past eleven. _Surely no one was up at this hour_. She rubbed her tired eyes and waited to see if he would put in an appearance. The closer the hand ticked towards midnight, the more she realized that he was not coming.

"Suri," Cullen said from behind her. Cullen's voice was deep and nervous.

Suri schooled her features to reflect none of the excitement that she felt, knowing he came to look for her. She turned around to see Cullen looking grim. Her excitement faded slightly and she titled her head. "Hello Cullen, were you looking for me?"

"Actually I was, the First Enchanter wants to see you," Cullen flinched a little and Suri nodded in surprise.

"Oh, I will go right away."

Suri moved to pass Cullen and he snatched her wrist in his gauntlet. She stilled at the touch of him on her and she looked up at him questioningly. Cullen eyes darkened in worry. "Suri... It's your Harrowing," whispered Cullen and she blinked.

"I couldn't let you go in unprepared," Cullen murmured under his breath, as he released her wrist and gently steered her down the hallway. "Remember, the demons will use anything to trick you, be strong my girl."

_Am I your girl still Cullen?_ Suri wondered bitterly as she glided past him to open the door to the First Enchanters study. She felt determination take over her as she stood in the Harrowing Chamber. Nothing was going to keep her from surviving this ordeal. Nothing.

Open first entering the Fade, she tried to be alert. Her vision was slightly blurred, as if she had pressed the heels of her palms into her eye sockets. Spots of color splintered out of the corner of her peripheral vision. She blinked twice and her eyes slowly adjusted to the bright, hazy colors of the landscape. She gathered her courage and moved through the unfamiliar terrain. It was not unlike a waking dream and she felt genuine anxiety at the thought of a desire demon attacking her. It would not be unheard of and she dreaded the result of such a thing. Focus. She dispatched some very minor fade spirits with a swift blast of ice, and began to feel confident. She eventually ran into a fade spirit that claimed it was an apprentice like her once, but his whiny nature and kiss ass mentality put her on edge. She preferred to be alone, but he persisted in following her.

She ran into a Templar Spirit, if there even is such a thing, and her instincts to kill it were strong. A manifestation of everything she had been taught to fear was standing before her. After a lot of nonsense about duels, she killed him and took the staff he had created. All she could think of was time, she had been here days, nay, weeks maybe.. Perhaps hours. She couldn't categorize the passing of time and it terrified her that she was perhaps already dead. The next few spirits caught the brunt of her fear and she eventually made her way to the "Demon" that she was supposed to kill to prove her worthiness.

When she was done destroying him with a combination of ice and electricity, she turned to the spirit that had been egging her on. "It seems a little too easy." Suri frowned at the mouse/bear thing, that kept insisting it was helping her. The demon had spouted off something about him betraying other mages like her and she looked thoughtfully at Mouse. "I'm starting to think that the Demon wasn't my only test." Suri saw the spirit twist and turn into a Demon warning her of the preconceptions of the Fade and suddenly she was back in her body. Her Harrowing was over, and Suri was a Circle Mage, finally.

When she awoke, Jowan pestered her about some nonsense with rumors and becoming Tranquil and she brushed him off. She was eager to get her robes and her assignment. She practically ran to Irving's office in her eagerness. Suri felt a brief moment of sadness when she thought of Mara's death and she imagined that perhaps Mouse was the one who killed her. Sweet and trusting Mara had made a mistake that had cost her everything. It was a lesson worth remembering. The Circle felt empty now, in her absence and she had only one reason to stay. To be tormented with Cullen's presence, if he has even returned for good. Suri closed her eyes for a moment, mentally reliving that night so many months ago, where he seemed human. So unlike a Templar, but just Cullen. She shook herself free of the memories when she rounded the corner to Irving's office. The time had come to fulfill her destiny. Whatever it would be.


	3. Chapter 3

Suri was completely daft. She was soft in the head. It was the only reasoning she could provide for agreeing to Jowan's completely idiotic plan. Her head was spinning with all that she had heard about the Grey Warden, the Blight, and the blasted dark spawn that were eating away at the land. She recalls that somehow this is all the mages fault. She knows that she has a responsibility to the world to be a better mage, a better friend, a better person but somehow everything feels wrong.

None of this is her fault, was Mara's fault and now its all gone so wrong and why is she the only one that sees it? She has long since felt such a strong hatred for the prison she exists in and now she found herself agreeing to help Jowan and Lily out of what...loyalty to a friend? Suri realized how stupid this whole thing was. Jowan a blood mage, truly?

What could Greagoir be thinking?

It's ludicrous.

He had targeted her and her friends because of her infatuation with Cullen, that had to be it. He was trying to drive her out of the Tower with his suspicions and allegations. Greagoir was trying to make her vulnerable to the Demons that lurked beyond the veil. She knew it. She had to get the hell out of this Tower.

Cullen was still lurking the hallways, but never did she see him look at her once since she got out. The fear of being caught together seemed to resonant clearly to both of them. Her prophecy had become true. They were caught in this damned cycle, unable to act on their feelings. She felt like she was dying, strangling from the inside out and no one gave a damn. Part of her wanted to get caught. Anything but this infernal middle that seemed to devour her.

Focus, Suri.

You got the Rod of Fire, and now all you have to do is...

"Hello Suri," Cullen said from behind her and she jumped three feet in the air.

She turned to face him.

"It's just Amell now, actually..."trailed off Suri, as she studied him. His color was high and his lips were twisted in amusement. She remembered those lips. She unconsciously licked her bottom lip and refocused.

"Suri is a child's name, the name of a soft girl instead of the Mage I am now." Suri's voice came out strong and firm. She was indeed proud of herself.

Cullen tilted his head and smiled slightly. "I liked the girl," he offered by way of a reply and he folded his arms, studying her. "But I will call you Amell if you wish of course."

"Yes, please," Suri replied desperate to put any kind of distance she could between them.

"Well, Amell... Seems you have a Rod of Fire, I wasn't aware you were practicing fire, Aren't you primarily a cold spell, kind of a mage?" His voice came out teasing, but Suri's heart almost stopped.

"Do you make a habit of studying the spells that Mages learn?" huffed Suri.

What an idiotic question, of course he does, he _is_ a Templar.

Cullen blinked at her impatience and then offered her a slow smile. "Aye, the better I can anticipate their moves, if it should come to... um... Why are we talking about this?" he appeared puzzled.

"I don't know," growled Suri in frustration.

She secretly hoped that Jowan named his first born after her for all this nonsense.

"You are acting really different. Was my being away so hard on you?" queried Cullen, his expression softening slightly as he took a step towards her.

"Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with you. Did that ever occur to you? You're not the only thing that occupies my thoughts, you know," replied Suri as she took a step back into the wall. She suddenly realized just how close Cullen was to pressing her into the wall and she swallowed hard.

"I occupy your thoughts?"murmured Cullen silkily as he leaned a hand against the wall, looking down at her.

"I... No," replied Suri firmly and she ducked under his arm and began to walk down the hallway quickly.

Cullen watched her leave but he felt something was not coming together, something was off about her behavior but he couldn't pinpoint it.

Cullen found out later exactly what it was.

He was dumbstruck.

She had assisted a damned blood mage.

What the hell was wrong with her? Now, she was being conscripted to the blasted Grey Wardens and nothing could be done.

He felt betrayed.

His sweet girl had turned into something else. Worse still, he would never see her again. Grey Wardens lived gloriously and shortly. He knew little about them, but he also knew that they died early, usually in battle but sometimes in the joining. He had heard the rumors about them for a long time.

However, the rumors for him, about them had stopped.

Just like the world had.

Nothing felt the same, and Cullen knew a small part of left the day she was lead from the Circle.

.

.

.

.

Somewhere off the Imperial Highway.

Suri burned from Jowan's betrayal.

Jowan, silly and nonsensical was a damned blood mage. He had betrayed her trust and now she was being conscripted into the Grey Wardens. Things could have been worse she supposed.

She could have been eaten by a dragon, for example.

The day was still young.

Sure thought of Cullen and her heart turned over in pain when she considered what he must think of her. She wondered if he believed she knowingly helped a blood mage.

Duncan, the Grey Warden who conscripted her said that blood magic was sometimes used to fight the dark spawn and it could prove useful at times if kept in check.

This concept seemed so foreign to her that she had laughed in his face.

Suri stared across the campfire that Duncan had made earlier that evening.

They were traveling to Ostagar and it would be weeks before they actually arrived. Walking seemed to be a common form of travel and she wished not for the first time that she possessed the ability to shape-shift into a bird or perhaps a faster creature. She dreamed of Cullen often and she considered writing to him.

"If you received a letter from someone who was reported to have done this evil thing, would you tear it up?" queried Suri.

It was the first time she had spoke for that day and Duncan glanced up from his roasted spit in surprise.

"This evil thing being you assisting a blood mage to escape the Circle with his phylactery ?" surmised Duncan with a faint smile.

"Aye,"murmured Suri and she hugged herself moving closer to the fire.

"Depends on the temperament of your friend I guess." Duncan checked the burning meat and then split off a piece to hand to Suri. Suri took a bite of food and chewed thoughtfully.

Duncan smiled inwardly.

Suri had taken very badly to her friends betrayal. He briefly reconsidered her behavior when confronted. Shame, rage, belligerence and shock. She was proud, almost too proud. He secretly is very interested to see what kind of a Grey Warden she will make. Mages that are temperamental have a tendency to fail quickly simply due to brash impulses and inexperience with life outside the Tower.

He would have to ask Alistair to keep an eye on this one.

"We should get some sleep. We must make better time to Ostagar," stated Duncan as he walked towards his tent.

Suri nodded absently, but he could tell by her fixed gaze she was not paying attention to him.

"Goodnight Amell."

She thought back on the conversation with Cullen, when she insisted he call her Amell. Her reasons for wishing to put distance between them.

She let Jowan get close to her as well and he betrayed her.

Did she look like a fool?

It was this night that Suri realized she must cease being that soft girl that was hopeful and naive.

It would just get her killed in the end.

(( I realize this was a short passage but I do not like rehashing the game events so much but to add filler. This was a short but necessary chapter. Thanks for reading.))


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: Dragon Age: Origins is owned by Bioware, I do not own anything. Any characters that you see are a result of the brilliant people who created Bioware. I do not make any money off of this story. I simply enjoy writing for pleasure. **

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Ostagar was huge.

It unsettled her being surrounded by so much open space. She was accustomed to the safety of the Tower Walls and for some reason this made her feel excited.

Things had changed.

She halfheartedly listened to Duncan's request to find the other Grey Warden.

Old men were _forever_ making requests of her.

All her life was spent doing what she was told and still it ended in chaos. What was the damned point?

The King seemed like a fool.

He reminded her of Jowan. All bright eyes and hopefulness.

She sincerely hoped that she was wrong, otherwise this battle could kill them all.

Suri bought a piece of roasted lamb on a spit from some nearby camp followers and wandered the length of the camp.

She ignored most people who tried to talk to her.

She saw Wynne from the Circle Tower lurked by the Tranquil Mages. They must be the Mages that Irving sent to the battle.

She moved through the camp with a sense of freedom she had never experienced before.

This '_death sentence_' was actually pretty amazing.

She wondered what the Joining could really do to her.

_Kill her? _

At this point she wasn't sure that wouldn't be a blessing. Her dreams were the only thing that seemed to give her comfort anymore.

A release into the Fade where she could be with Cullen and magic no longer was a curse.

_Yeah right. _

Suri jerked her head up at the sound of arguing. She saw a Circle Mage argued with a knight of some kind. G_rand Cleric..blah blah.._. She recognized the Mage. He was an insufferable little twit.

_Just her luck. _

Suri turned around to walk away when the knight in question addressed her.

"You know one good thing about the Blight is how it brings people together."

Suri turned on her heel to face the knight. She smirked slightly at his glib tone. He was attractive, well built and he had big brown puppy dog eyes.

He looked vaguely familiar.

Which was impossible.

He smiled brightly and she noticed it made him more approachable. He reminded her of Cullen. How predictable.

She was seeing Cullen everywhere.

She was possessed.

"You are a very strange man," she replied in an effort to discourage him from a conversation with her. She turned to leave.

"A lot of women tell me that," replied the knight doggedly. He began to speak about being a Grey Warden. He said he hoped she wasn't a mage.

"I am indeed a mage," she replied with a bit of frown.

He explained he was a former Templar.

She cursed under her breath. Alistair blinked in surprise.

She hissed out a low breath and interrupted his rambling. "Why don't you stop thinking about me as a woman."

Alistair looked taken back but he nodded. He explained that he would accompany her in preparation of the Joining.

.

.

.

.

After going into the Wilds, she managed to make it back in one piece only to have the other two recruits die during the initiation.

No wonder the Grey Wardens are so _elite_, they loose sixty -seven percent of their initiates, if this was any indication.

Then she went to a meeting with the King who seemed even more of a fool then before.

_Lighting a bloody torch? Really? _

If anything, at least Alistair agreed with her there.

She felt detached for the rest of the day all the way up until she managed to get herself shot full of arrows.

Her last thought was of Cullen and she wondered what he was doing, while she bleed copious amounts onto the stone floor at the top of the Tower of Ishal.

She felt regret that she couldn't have held him one last time before she died.

And then she felt nothing at all when blackness overtook her.

.

.

.

Cullen heard later that she had died at Ostagar.

Cullen felt numb.

He frequently spent hours reliving those brief moments from that night so long ago.

However, Suri was gone for good.

She had been left for dead, her corpse rotting in the open fields of some battle she had no business being a part of. Cullen dreamed of her often but never again would he feel the touch of her lips or smell the scent of her skin.

Cullen requested a leave of absence and mourned her. Even Greagoir could not begrudge him that.

Cullen saw the Knight-Commander's face when he had informed him, and it had been bleak. Cullen even suspected the old man would mourn her in his own way despite how betrayed he had felt over the Jowan incident.

Cullen believed that secretly he was glad she had been conscripted. Now, it didn't even matter.

They had sent her to her death all the same.

He felt hollow and empty inside.

He was filled with a yearning, a hunger that never eased and he prayed daily for some demon to show itself and take him from this place in the name of a glorious death that he had trained his whole stupid life for.

For Cullen, it felt as though time had ceased and nothing would ever be normal again.


End file.
